One thing at a time.  

It’s days like yesterday when I miss dad the most.  The long grey-color-pallet days of winter and the feeling of 1,000 things gone wrong. Just wrong. All my mistakes and shortcomings and the mistakes and shortcomings of others.

I just need to talk to him. “Dad, I’m having a hard time,” but that’s not actually what I would say.  

It would be a phone call and he would pick up, “Gorrrrdita!” rolling out the “r” for an exaggerated effect. (I forget how, where, and when that nickname actually came to be). His excitement to hear from me is warming, but my heart accelerates and my breath is heavy–

“Hey Dad,” with an exhale.  

“What’s goin’ on?” he says casually to not be presumptuous. But come on–he knows. He always knows. The wooshing wind from his rolled down window distracts me.  No matter what season it is his window is down and  he’s driving—always driving.  

“I dunno. Not much,” I mumble. 

“Uh-huh, well don’t put too much stalk into what other people say.”

“I know.  It’s just…I know. You’re right dad.”

He continues, “Seriously Don’t let other people dictate things for you.  Fuck em.” 

Dad had a way of making things seem OK again. I remember a night 3 years ago after the birth of McKinley.  My anxiety level was at a new high.

I called to talk to mom first, because they worked best as a team.  

“What’s the matter?” mom asks softly. 

Working through my sniffles, “I don’t know if I can do this. It’s too much.” 

“Oh Georgia, of course you can.  I know It’s not easy–trust me!  But, you are going to be an amazing mother.” 

Then dad.

“What’s goin’ on?”

“I don’t think I’m ready for this.” 

“Well, shit–you never are.” 

“What am I gonna do when she’s 15? How am I supposed to teach her right from wrong?” 

“Well, just take it one thing at a time. Don’t think about 15…She’s not even 1 month.  Every age and stage is different.  Don’t think or worry about it until you get there.”

I also miss dad on days like today– when the sun is finally starting to break through. When something happy happens and you get that good news

We’re moving into our first home. No extended family this time.  Just our immediate family unit. 4 elements under 1 roof.  And a dog. 

Dad would have embraced me in his tight hug, kissed my forehead, and whispered, “I’m so proud of you kiddo.”  And, he would have said that on my worst days too. 





Monday Milestone

McKinley plays guitar:

Everyday for the past two weeks McKinley has been going over to the guitar and strumming it. And in those moments, I’d think to myself, I have to start playing again— dad would want me to—I’ll feel him with me. But I haven’t picked up the guitar.

When I drive, I sing. Ohh, and I get really into it.  For the last couple of weeks while singing I’ve thought, I should learn this song on the guitar– it would be beautiful. But I haven’t yet. And why not!?

It seems clear now, but my mother actually pointed it out to me in an earlier conversation.
I said, “I’ve been praying for a sign from dad.”
“Today McKinley strumming on that guitar, and being silly– that was dad,” she said. Then it hit me.  All my thoughts from the last two weeks flooded my mind.

I havn’t been listening!

My dad once told me, “God speaks all the time, but very few know how to listen.” My dad believed that at certain times, in certain moments, God spoke through people—That someone could say something to you, and it could be God speaking, and if you weren’t listening, you would miss it.

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Do you have a crazy family?

One word comes to mind during the holiday season.Family.

That’s what it’s all about right? Spending quality time catching up at get-togethers, eating delicious feasts, possibly playing games, and of course (if you’re like my mothers side of the family) drinking alcohol. Beer, wine, and liquor.

20131210-231941.jpgMy family is crazy. A good crazy, but still crazy. We’re all loud, stubborn, controlling know-it-alls. So, mostly Irish. In addition, we’re hysterical, fun, and phenomenal dancers. Crowd pleasers! Oh, and we occasionally make a scene (or two) by:

•Breaking glasses
•Belligerently saying inappropriate things
•Arguing a point to the point where we don’t even know what we’re arguing.
•Rolling our eyes, using classy sarcasm, and different voices to poke fun, or impersonate.
•Being extremely silly and acting like we’re still 13. Occasionally acting 7 at the age of 33.20131210-224019.jpg

Case and point. Don’t overlook Alison’s classic stain either.

•Talking loud and over other people.
•Being the “Life of the party.”
•Dramatic exists.
•Making our opinions and thoughts publicly known and “right.”
•And over exaggerating everything.

That’s just naming a few.
Totally fun.
Absolutely crazy.
Love every single one of them.

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This post is dedicated to my mothers side of the family and my cousin Allison. Oh, and before she gets the chance to tell you, or me (for the millionth time)—

I have a freckle on my lip.

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Monday Monologue: The Oyster Idiom

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I’m not gonna lie–sometimes idioms make no sense to me. The words just don’t always process the right way for me to fully comprehend the metaphor. (I’m sure having dyslexia doesn’t help my case). So please chime in if I’m way off base.

The world is your oyster!

Meaning: The world is yours to do whatever you want! Make life what you want it to be. Enjoy life by working hard for what you want, or by being lucky.

The world is our oyster? Really though? Is it? Ours for the taking? Opportunities everywhere?

I don’t know about you, but sometimes I’m constantly having to depend and rely on others. Yes, it’s a part of life and I get that…but…uh, then the world is not my oyster… right?

See, life and people are unpredictable.  Someone could bust their ass working hard and still never find the “pearl.” How does that make the world anyone’s oyster? Is the oyster for an elite group of people who can afford opportunity?

While I do consider myself both lucky and hard-working…It doesn’t change the fact that at times my decisions and choices rest in the hands of others. I can’t just go and do whatever I please. I think people need to have the right resources, like Pistol’s “sword” in Shakespeare’s The Merry Wives of Windsor. —> (This is where the idiom comes from).

Well, at least for now I don’t have the resources, but one day, the world will be mine. Muhaha! (Not sure why, but the creepy evil laugh felt appropriate).

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“An Unexamined Marriage”

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A sort of miracle happened today. I was able to watch my wedding.

What you don’t know is that for the past two years, over two years actually, I have tried to watch our wedding DVD’s.  They were in a .mov file format.  I tried watching them on different MAC computers and PC computers.  I tried converting the files and I’ve even spent time talking with professionals. You name it– I’ve tried it.  And, the outcome was always the same.  You could only listen to the audio.

Today I had a thought. I wonder if my wedding DVD’s will work now that I have iDVD on my computer. 

So, I popped in the DVD’s and sure enough there was picture!  I was finally able to watch my wedding!  And do you know what clip popped up first?

My father’s speech.

“The unexamined marriage is not worth living.”
“Live your lives together and try to transform yourself, but the one thing you don’t want to do… is try to change each other.”
“Transform yourself, never try to change your best friend.”  

These words come at such important timing in my life. Mainly because, my husband and I are working on transforming ourselves. Sometimes, it’s not easy.  Actually, it’s never easy.  And as you work on becoming a better person, the marriage is something that needs to be examined. The transformation of a marriage never comes from changing someone else, but changing yourself.

Most of the time in marriages, partnerships, and relationships in general–individuals can always pinpoint and point fingers at what the other is doing “wrong.”  But, true and honest growth comes from within each of us.  To be able to take responsibility for our own actions, thoughts, and behaviors.  To forgive. To acknowledge. To apologize. And, to become.

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